Have a little faith in me

I saw a quote on Instagram earlier that said

"I go crazy because here isn't where I wanna be."

I liked it and continued to scroll down to the next picture when I noticed that someone had commented on the quote picture and said,

"Don't rush God's plan..."

This hit me. At first I was all like "oh this quote is so relatable and relevant to my life, but then I saw that one comment and I was completely thrown for a loop.
I used to be such an immensely faithful person. Don't get me wrong, I still consider myself a Christian and I believe in God, but my views and opinions have changed drastically in the past few years. Since I stopped going to church regularly about three ish years ago, I have slowly developed a more open-minded faith. For example, I now believe that just because a person goes to church, that does not make them a Christian. Also, I have taken more of a to each his own kind of outlook. Like you do you, and I'll do me and if you are a decent person to me and don't shove your beliefs down my throat then I will be cool with you.
I used to belong to a small Southern Baptist church and my youth leader there would often write us (the youth group) letters about various things and she always made a huge point about trusting God's plan for our lives. I used to be able to blindly accept this and move on whenever crisis or doubt hit me. I would simply know that God would make things alright and I had nothing to worry about. Now I am the exact opposite. I have evolved into much more of a worrisome and negative person. I used to be so positive and optimistic about things. It could be that in recent years my life has gotten slightly more difficult and my problems are actual real-world ones and not silly high school drama that I used to deal with. But no matter what kind of problem arises in my life I always jump to the absolute worst conclusion. For example, I have huge trust issues. This is because a number of reasons in the past: I let people in to easily, I'm naive, etc... But I've started to notice that recently my heart has hardened a little. I hardly ever let new people in and if I do, it takes a ridiculously long time and effort and it makes me look completely idiotic and standoffish. For the past 5 months I've been talking (I despise that term) to a boy that I met through some mutual friends. At first we were just friends who talked everyday about everything under the sun, but eventually it has evolved into a way more than friends thing. This boy is as close to perfection as I think it can get for me. He is so nice that it is almost unreal. He hasn't once pushed me into doing anything I was not ready for or made me feel guilty for stringing him along (I'll get to that in a minute). He has the same sense of humor as I do, which we both agree is rare. And I can tell him anything and he is always supportive or understanding. I love every second that I spend with him and we honestly have not gone a single day without talking since Halloween last year. What's the problem? He goes to school 3 hours away. It might not seem like a big deal, and at first it wasn't really. But in the past month or so, our relationship has changed and the distance has really started to become our toughest obstacle. Because of my aforementioned completely ridiculous trust issues, I automatically assume the worst when something feels off between the two of us. I know there is only so much emotion that can be displayed through texting or a phone call, but I can't help but assume the worst all the time. He has told me time and time again that he will never do anything to hurt me and I believe him a hundred percent, but there is this evil little thought in the back of my mind that convinces me that because we are so far away, and despite how much he says he wants only me, he is going to find something else. Something more convenient. Something better. I will probably always think like this, I just can't help it. I see too much unfaithfulness in everyday life and I've experienced it firsthand and it disgusts me and makes me not want to trust anyone ever. I told this boy about the last thing I was involved in and how it completely tore me apart and that because of it my trust has completely dissolved into nothing and made me fearful of letting someone else in too soon. He told me this was okay and that he would wait for me to be 100% ready. He has stood by that statement and has never actually given me a real reason not to trust him, but because of my stupidity in the past, I feel like I am being unfair to him by making him wait for me to stop being dumb and let him in. I don't like to say "what if," but I feel like had I been in this relationship a few years ago when my faith was stronger, that I would not have this problem and I could trust God completely with this and any other aspect of my life and I would be much happier and content. I feel horrible saying that because this boy makes me happier than anyone ever has before, but I just wonder if maybe I didn't have this trust problem that life would be perfect and I could fully let him in and be in a real actual relationship with him like he deserves. I suppose that is the point of faith - trusting something no matter what happens or how scary it is. Trusting them with your whole heart, whether it be God or a boy you are falling for or anyone really, to have your heart in their hands and actually believe they are going to care for it and not hurt you. I need to work on this more.

Boston

Once again, I have neglected my poor blog for quite some time...yeah like 2 years. But that's the good thing about the internet - it's always there. So I am going to try to revert back to my regular blogging days and keep the personal life off of facebook, twitter, tumblr, etc. Those never work out well as forms of expression.
Antyways, I'm going to keep this place as a type of journal. I have some wonderful people in my life who have always been there for me to listen and for a shoulder to cry on but sometimes I feel like I just need to write. I haven't always been the best at expressing my inner thought through words, but I've always felt comfortable with using writing as my outlet. So here goes nothing...

I'm going to start with saying that I feel lost. There are so many things in my life that I am unhappy about and I haven't the slightest idea as to how to fix any of them. I'll start with school. My freshman year of college, I moved away from small town home to a university in a big city about an hour away. I went with my best friend of 5 years at the time and that in itself was both good and bad. We had each other as friends which was very helpful since we were both adjusting to the transition. But throughout the year we began to have issues with mutual friends and by the end of the spring semester, things between us had taken a turn for the worse. And it absolutely breaks my heart to say that they haven't been the same since. Granted, that was 2 years ago and we are in an alright place now and we see each other maybe a few times a month, but there are still a few recurring problems that we just cannot seem to avoid. Part of that is because we live completely different lives. She is still at the same college, in a sorority that she loves, and living in an apartment in the city. While I am stuck. Don't get me wrong, I like this town alright, but I never in a million years expected to come back here after I moved away to school. I'm currently going full time to the community college that is literally 5 minutes from my house. I work at a preschool in town for a few hours every weekday. And that is it. I've been back at home for two years and I have absolutely nothing to say for it. I have exactly 2 friends who live here - 1 is my gay BFF who I love dearly but his lifestyle choices cause tension with my family, and he works full time at a restaurant, so I hardly see him. My other friend is one who I have known since high school, but we seem to have a lot of issues. She and I like to travel together to see our friends at out of town schools. I sometimes question that friendship and wonder if it is worth all the trouble that it causes. But both of these friends are planning on moving away to other cities within the next year and if that happens I won't know what to do with myself. I feel like I am settling. I am doing too much of what is expected from my by society and mostly my parents and not enough of what I really want to do - whatever that is. In May, I will be graduating with an associates degree from my community college. And lucky for me (sarcasm), my school that is so close to home and so inexpensive has a great teaching program that allows students to receive a 4 year education degree at a 2 year school. This was pretty much my decided fate even before I went off to a university for my freshman year - before I even realized that it had been decided for me. That first year of school was insane. There was a lot of adjusting and struggles and problems with friends in the 9 months that I lived there, but through all the hard times, it was still more exciting and adventurous than my past 2 years since have been. I loved the city and I made new friends  - some good and bad. I tried new things and stepped out of my comfort zone. I had some trouble with school and adjusting to the college life and ultimately made the decision to come home for a while  - not because I failed out, but because I did not know what I wanted to do with life and they way I was living there, I knew I wasn't going to figure it out easily. So I decided to listen to my mother who had been begging me forever to stay at community college and live at home. I have to say that that was one of the worst things I ever did. I was coerced into it because it was the easy thing to do - not because it was what was best for me. Now, almost 2 years later, I have come to accept that this is where I am going to be. I have made several attempts with my parents to go to another school and it had been decided for me that I lost that opportunity 2 years ago and I won't be getting it back. 2 and a half more years at a boring, small junior college in the middle of a corn field with no friends. That will be my great college experience that I will tell my grandchildren about - that I had to travel to real colleges to visit friends in order to have a taste of the real college life for a weekend every month or so. This isn't fun. I absolutely hate where I am in life and although I may not know where I want to go or what I want to do, I am absolutely certain that it is not this. I don't want to live at home still when my younger brother moves off to a fancy private university in another state. I'm not even going to get into that whole story...
In my time alone, I have discovered something about myself and that is that I am turning into a safe person. I run away from commitment. I choose boring over risks. But I long to take risks and to live and be a part of the world but I am too scared of it at the same time so I choose to be safe and stay in my comfort zone where I know I can't be hurt. I am stuck and afraid of living a lonely and boring life that my parents expect of me. Whenever I even so much as attempt to choose my own path, they pull me right back in even tighter. It's not that I hate them for keeping me close, I just want to be able to make my own choices. I'm trying my hardest to be happy and see things positively but it isn't working well and something has to give sooner or later. I just don't know what to do...

The Night Before Life Goes On

tomorrow I go back to Chatt. I was so ready to go back this whole break but now that it's here I really don't want to just yet. Biology and Intro to music kind of scare me just a little. And I am also interviewing for some babysitting/nanny positions. You know the saying, "you don't know what you have until it's gone?"

I sometimes wish I were staying at community college. My first semester was a blast and I loved most of it, don't get me wrong. But I didn't take the school part seriously and it was a huge slap in the face when I failed a class. I know if I buckle down and actually study on a routine basis I will be fine. But I will miss my family and my friends. Yeah, my parents drive me crazy most of the time but I still love them and love spending time with them. I feel like I didn't do that enough while I was home, but they didn't really make it seem like they wanted me around alot of times. I don't know, I guess life is changing and I'm growing up. I sometimes wish I was in 8th grade again, back when I didn't have a care in the world and didn't even have think about college or life or my future. I will also miss my friends who are going to other schools. I am having some friend issues and I'm starting to realize who I really need in my life and who was put in it temporarily. I always used to tall people that if someone or something makes you cry more than they make you smile then they are not meant to be a part of you life. I know I can just walk away from the drama and negativity, but it's easier said than done, especially if it's something that has been in my life for so long.

I'm definitely going to be talking to God and my best friend Sarah about everything that I am going through. I've definitely had a good time these past couple of months and made alot of good memories and new friends. I just need to ask myself if all the good times outweigh the bad.

Well on a less depressing note, I had a good day! I woke up somewhat earlier and went shopping with momma and actually enjoyed my time with her. Then we went to eat supper at Fast Jacks, one of my favorite restaurants. Then I went to Yo My Goodness for some fro yo with Jayne and Shelby and after we played hide and seek in Wal Mart with Piers and Ian, went to Applebees for a couple hours and then watched movies at Ian's. It was a good last night in town and it's nice hanging out with people you never hung out with in high school. I guess that's a plus side to growing up! :)

World Spins Madly On

Hello blogland! Long time no see....

Well I have decided to return to blogging once again, hopefully this time it will last a while.

I don't remember where exactly I left off on my last post, but ALOT has changed in my life since then. So I have decided to do a recap of the past couple of months and highlight the major events with pictures.

So here we go!

I'll start with May 27, 2011 - the day I graduated from high school. It was one of the most exciting and happy moments of my short life. My Grammie and Mamaw Susan came up from Mississippi for the ceremony and we all went to dinner at Casa Mexico, my favorite restaurant. After I received my honors diploma, I went to celebrate one last night of fun with my class at Project Graduation. My graduation party was the weekend before in my backyard. All my friends and family came and we had BBQ, cornhole, and karaoke!

The day after Graduation, my family and I jetted south to the beautiful tropical oasis that is Sint Maarten Netherlands Antilles. The small island is half Dutch and half French and we had a time share on Simpson Bay on the French side. It was a very relaxing trip and the first time I traveled out of the country (Customs was not too fun though). We went on a sunset cruise around the island, ventured onto the French side which is very sketchy and very naked! The beaches were stunning and the water is the prettiest blue ever. I was sad to leave and hope to return one day!

The next weekend was CMA Fest! This was my 3rd year going with Adrian, and Ashleigh came along this year! I saw Lady Antebellum (pictured above), Keith Urban, Sugarland, Dierks Bentley, and Jake Owen. It was so much fun as always but reaalllly hot!

4th of July rolled around and my best friends Kevin, Lilah Tess, and Jake came over for some patriotic fun! We ate yummy food, played games, shot fireworks, and experimented with writing with sparklers. It was so much fun!

Skip ahead a few weeks to August 18th. This was college move in day at UTC and the above picture is my bedroom. By far the scariest, most exciting, and bittersweet day ever. But luckily my two best friends Adrian and Sarah were there to keep me company. I have never been more scared for anything in my life and I cried when my family left. But I adjusted to the college life very quickly and had an amazing first semester as you are about to see...

The first or second weekend at Chatt, I got a call from my friend Savannah (4th from the right) to come to her apartment. I walked over and as soon as I opened the door, my three friends Sarah Beth, Suzi, and Cameron popped out and surprised me! They came down for a visit from UT Knoxville and for some friend time! In the picture, right to left, is me, Sarah Beth, Suzi, Savannah, Adrian, Cameron, and Rachel. It was a short visit but fun getting all the friends together who I missed!

This is Tyler, my boyfriend singing a song for me on stage...hah. I wish. If you recognize him, then you know I am only teasing! One weekend in September, Me and Sarah went up to Nashville to see one of our favorite artists, Tyler Hilton at 3rd and Lindsley Bar. We saw him in November of 2010 where we got to meet him and take pictures after the concert. This year, Tyler couldn't take pictures but I did get to meet him and he autographed a poster for me. If you don't recognize him, he played on One Tree Hill as bad boy Chris Keller and Elvis Presley on Walk The Line. I love him!

The first weekend in October, I went up to Gatlinburg with my mom's side of the family. We rented a cabin and had lot's of fun. It wasn't too cold so we rode the sky lift one day. This is me and my brother, Will being goofy trying to get on the wall of shame and we succeeded! I only got to stay for 2 nights because I had to return to school, but I still had alot of fun relaxing, playing pool, watching movies, and hanging with my family in the mountains.

Fast forward to October which was a very fun month in Chattanooga! This is me on the walking bridge over the river at Coolidge Park in downtown Chattanooga. Adrian, Rachel, Ashley, and I spent the day walking around downtown and adventuring through the park and taking fun pictures. This one was my favorite of me because of the river and the mountains.

This picture is of my friends Rachel, Adrian, and I before the Homecoming football game. Homecoming week was a fun experience because I got to watch the famous UTC Step Show for the first time where various groups and clubs compete and do awesome dances. The weather was perfect for mid-October so we got to wear cute dresses to the game. We got there late and didn't stay long, but still had lots of fun, especially after with Ian and our guy friends!

For my Fall Break at the end of October, we went down to Mississippi for my cousin, Molly's wedding. It was at Manning Gardens in the tiny town of Guntown. It was a beautiful ceremony and Molly looked so pretty. The reception was on the lake and we had yummy food and spent time with my dad's side of the family.

Halloween weekend was extremely crazy!!! Friday, Jayne came down from T-town and Rachel and I drove up to Knoxville to fetch Cameron for the weekend. We went to City Cafe and have our visitors a tour of Chattanooga. Saturday, we went Halloween shopping and that night, we went to a costume party at a Frat house which was not fun at all so we left and went to the guys' apartment. Rachel was a hula girl, Adrian a baseball player, me a sailor, and Jayne was a crayon! I thought we were pretty cute!

The first weekend in November was the kickoff of the Holiday season. I am a member of the Chattanooga Singers and we got to perform in a reunion concert at the Tivoli Theater for a UTC Alumni teacher with a few hundred other people from around the country. Lee Greenwood, who sang "God Bless the USA" opened for us. It was a long 2 hour concert and it was excruciatingly hot, but so much fun!

This is me at Rock City singing again with the Chattanooga Singers. This was exciting because we were the featured group to perform Christmas songs at Rock City. My family came to watch and we ate out at a yummy Italian restaurant called Tony's. It was very cold but I loved seeing Rock City adorned with twinkly lights and seeing Chattanooga from Lookout Mountain.

For Thanksgiving, my family decided to defy tradition and venture down to Gulf Shores, Alabama and stay at the beach condo for the holiday. We arrived on Wednesday night to weather in the 70's and the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen. On Thursday we spent the whole day in our bathing suits on the beach and I actually got a little sun. We had an atypical Thanksgiving dinner of Filet Mignon, potatoes, veggies, and yummy chocolate silk pie. Then we went early bird Black Friday shopping at the outlet malls. I was very sad to come back home to cold and rain.

The first weekend in December, I came home for the T-town Christmas parade and Breakfast With Santa. I used to be a part of the AristoCats, so I had to take Bradyn to see Santa and all my old friends who I miss very much. This is me and Nugget sitting in the big bed!

I spent a week in Mississippi with Grammie while my family was still at work and in school. I love staying with Gram and I got to watch The Help for the first time which is now one of my favorite movies! We had two Christmases - one for my mom's family and one for my dad's. This is my and my uncle Robbie being silly with bows on our head! I love my family and our Christmas weekends are always a blast with presents, yummy food, and cards!

After Christmas, we had a going away party for our friend Loretta who is moving to BYU Utah and won't be back until July. Adrian, Jayne, Sarah Beth, Loretta, and I all went to eat at Applebees for dinner and then watched movies after. It was so much fun catching up with old friends and reminiscing about middle school memories. We'll miss you Loretta, good luck!

NEW YEARS EVE!!!!! As per tradition, I always go to Adrian's for NYE and we play Rock Band, Just Dance, and drink Sparkling Grape Juice. It's always fun and this year was just as awesome!

In the picture is Adrian, Rachel, Sarah, Cody, and I.

Well folks, that's about it. It's been a busy, crazy, fun first semester to say the least. I move back into my apartment on Saturday so wish me luck for my second semester! I promise to blog again soon!

When it comes.

this weekend was a fabulous weekend.


my bestest friend, Sarah got us tickets to see Tyler Hilton at 3rd & Lindsley in Nashville. It was an intimate affair, with less than 100 people at the concert. I had great fun at the concert, but the best part of the night was...

yep. that's right. I met him. he talked to me. I mumbled to him.

signing sarah's cd.

{insert heavenly singing here}

Josiah Leming...look him up, you will sure to enjoy his music.

thanks to Sarah for the tickets and the ride up there. and thanks to A Cheery Disposition blog for the reccomendation to eat at 417 Union Street in Nashville.

Do the Monster Mash.

aaah-ooooooh.

Highlights of my Halloween:

Carving pumkpins

Bradyn's Alien, My kitty and skeletor, Will's bat.

silly brothers.

pictures of the orange leaves.

spooky pictures at the motlow dorms. (that's me on the right)
notice: the orb in center of picture next to doorway.

Halloween costume parties with my bestest friends.

pimp, deviled egg, axel rose, greek goddess,

flapper girl, loofah, 60's chick, referee, vamp,

and 2 devilettes.

mine and julies devilette costumes that cost only 6 dollars and 50 cents.

cowboy bradyn and me.

halloween is over. it's sad, but now time for the holiday season... :)

If I Die Young

dearest blog,
sorry I forgot about you for a few months.
are we cool now?
-chelsea


anyhoo...

tommorow starts the 2nd quarter of my senior year. I read somewhere on good ole' FB, that graduation is 31 weeks from today. that scares me and excites me all at the same time. But that is to be expected, right? I have been browsing bed spreads from various places and came across this little prize:
http://www.pbteen.com/products/kensington-floral-duvet-cover-and-sham/?pkey=cgirls-duvet-covers

I really likes it. The color pallet of red and pink with a little baby blue mixed in-makes me smile! Momma has been looking for cool wall decals for my walls since the UTC peeps will not allow painting. So that means I must have many posters, picture frames, bulliten boards, and other decorations to add as much color as possible.

I hope I can send my transcripts and ACT scores in this week so I can find out if I am accepted.

In other news, I was gifted with a Nikon D40 DSLR camera a few weeks ago. I am in love. My dad was supposed to give it to me for Christmas, but he just couldn't wait that long! It takes the most awesome pictures and I am having fun reading my Popular Photography magazine about how to take great photos.

I am getting really excited about the upcoming Holiday season. Tuesday starts my most favorite thing to ever grace my eyes-13 nights of Halloween on ABC Family. Although, I am quite dissapointed in the movie selection this year. It gets worse every year, except for Hocus Pocus. That movie is bomb.

I am really hoping someone throws a halloween bash so I can have an excuse to dress up as a devilette with Julie.

Back to holidays, Christmas is in less than 2 months! yaaaay! I love November and December. They are so busy! Here are some of the things I look forward to most:
1. Singers Christmas Concert
2. Breakfast with Santa
3. Civic Choir Concert
4. My family coming in for the Hutchens Christmas Celebration
5. Decorating the house while listening to Christmas songs
6. Watching The Santa Clause, Miracle on 34th Street, Meet me in St. Louis, Mickey's Once Upon A Christmas, Heidi, Stepmom, and all my other favorite Holiday movies.
7. Traveling to Mississippi
8. cod weather
9. Tyler Hilton concert with Sarah in November
10. possibly going to Opryland Hotel to see its debut since the flood
11.Thanksgiving


can you tell I love the Holidays?
but I must focus on Fall for now. But once Halloween is over, its full-on Christmas excitement!!!!

have a good week.