Have a little faith in me

I saw a quote on Instagram earlier that said

"I go crazy because here isn't where I wanna be."

I liked it and continued to scroll down to the next picture when I noticed that someone had commented on the quote picture and said,

"Don't rush God's plan..."

This hit me. At first I was all like "oh this quote is so relatable and relevant to my life, but then I saw that one comment and I was completely thrown for a loop.
I used to be such an immensely faithful person. Don't get me wrong, I still consider myself a Christian and I believe in God, but my views and opinions have changed drastically in the past few years. Since I stopped going to church regularly about three ish years ago, I have slowly developed a more open-minded faith. For example, I now believe that just because a person goes to church, that does not make them a Christian. Also, I have taken more of a to each his own kind of outlook. Like you do you, and I'll do me and if you are a decent person to me and don't shove your beliefs down my throat then I will be cool with you.
I used to belong to a small Southern Baptist church and my youth leader there would often write us (the youth group) letters about various things and she always made a huge point about trusting God's plan for our lives. I used to be able to blindly accept this and move on whenever crisis or doubt hit me. I would simply know that God would make things alright and I had nothing to worry about. Now I am the exact opposite. I have evolved into much more of a worrisome and negative person. I used to be so positive and optimistic about things. It could be that in recent years my life has gotten slightly more difficult and my problems are actual real-world ones and not silly high school drama that I used to deal with. But no matter what kind of problem arises in my life I always jump to the absolute worst conclusion. For example, I have huge trust issues. This is because a number of reasons in the past: I let people in to easily, I'm naive, etc... But I've started to notice that recently my heart has hardened a little. I hardly ever let new people in and if I do, it takes a ridiculously long time and effort and it makes me look completely idiotic and standoffish. For the past 5 months I've been talking (I despise that term) to a boy that I met through some mutual friends. At first we were just friends who talked everyday about everything under the sun, but eventually it has evolved into a way more than friends thing. This boy is as close to perfection as I think it can get for me. He is so nice that it is almost unreal. He hasn't once pushed me into doing anything I was not ready for or made me feel guilty for stringing him along (I'll get to that in a minute). He has the same sense of humor as I do, which we both agree is rare. And I can tell him anything and he is always supportive or understanding. I love every second that I spend with him and we honestly have not gone a single day without talking since Halloween last year. What's the problem? He goes to school 3 hours away. It might not seem like a big deal, and at first it wasn't really. But in the past month or so, our relationship has changed and the distance has really started to become our toughest obstacle. Because of my aforementioned completely ridiculous trust issues, I automatically assume the worst when something feels off between the two of us. I know there is only so much emotion that can be displayed through texting or a phone call, but I can't help but assume the worst all the time. He has told me time and time again that he will never do anything to hurt me and I believe him a hundred percent, but there is this evil little thought in the back of my mind that convinces me that because we are so far away, and despite how much he says he wants only me, he is going to find something else. Something more convenient. Something better. I will probably always think like this, I just can't help it. I see too much unfaithfulness in everyday life and I've experienced it firsthand and it disgusts me and makes me not want to trust anyone ever. I told this boy about the last thing I was involved in and how it completely tore me apart and that because of it my trust has completely dissolved into nothing and made me fearful of letting someone else in too soon. He told me this was okay and that he would wait for me to be 100% ready. He has stood by that statement and has never actually given me a real reason not to trust him, but because of my stupidity in the past, I feel like I am being unfair to him by making him wait for me to stop being dumb and let him in. I don't like to say "what if," but I feel like had I been in this relationship a few years ago when my faith was stronger, that I would not have this problem and I could trust God completely with this and any other aspect of my life and I would be much happier and content. I feel horrible saying that because this boy makes me happier than anyone ever has before, but I just wonder if maybe I didn't have this trust problem that life would be perfect and I could fully let him in and be in a real actual relationship with him like he deserves. I suppose that is the point of faith - trusting something no matter what happens or how scary it is. Trusting them with your whole heart, whether it be God or a boy you are falling for or anyone really, to have your heart in their hands and actually believe they are going to care for it and not hurt you. I need to work on this more.

Boston

Once again, I have neglected my poor blog for quite some time...yeah like 2 years. But that's the good thing about the internet - it's always there. So I am going to try to revert back to my regular blogging days and keep the personal life off of facebook, twitter, tumblr, etc. Those never work out well as forms of expression.
Antyways, I'm going to keep this place as a type of journal. I have some wonderful people in my life who have always been there for me to listen and for a shoulder to cry on but sometimes I feel like I just need to write. I haven't always been the best at expressing my inner thought through words, but I've always felt comfortable with using writing as my outlet. So here goes nothing...

I'm going to start with saying that I feel lost. There are so many things in my life that I am unhappy about and I haven't the slightest idea as to how to fix any of them. I'll start with school. My freshman year of college, I moved away from small town home to a university in a big city about an hour away. I went with my best friend of 5 years at the time and that in itself was both good and bad. We had each other as friends which was very helpful since we were both adjusting to the transition. But throughout the year we began to have issues with mutual friends and by the end of the spring semester, things between us had taken a turn for the worse. And it absolutely breaks my heart to say that they haven't been the same since. Granted, that was 2 years ago and we are in an alright place now and we see each other maybe a few times a month, but there are still a few recurring problems that we just cannot seem to avoid. Part of that is because we live completely different lives. She is still at the same college, in a sorority that she loves, and living in an apartment in the city. While I am stuck. Don't get me wrong, I like this town alright, but I never in a million years expected to come back here after I moved away to school. I'm currently going full time to the community college that is literally 5 minutes from my house. I work at a preschool in town for a few hours every weekday. And that is it. I've been back at home for two years and I have absolutely nothing to say for it. I have exactly 2 friends who live here - 1 is my gay BFF who I love dearly but his lifestyle choices cause tension with my family, and he works full time at a restaurant, so I hardly see him. My other friend is one who I have known since high school, but we seem to have a lot of issues. She and I like to travel together to see our friends at out of town schools. I sometimes question that friendship and wonder if it is worth all the trouble that it causes. But both of these friends are planning on moving away to other cities within the next year and if that happens I won't know what to do with myself. I feel like I am settling. I am doing too much of what is expected from my by society and mostly my parents and not enough of what I really want to do - whatever that is. In May, I will be graduating with an associates degree from my community college. And lucky for me (sarcasm), my school that is so close to home and so inexpensive has a great teaching program that allows students to receive a 4 year education degree at a 2 year school. This was pretty much my decided fate even before I went off to a university for my freshman year - before I even realized that it had been decided for me. That first year of school was insane. There was a lot of adjusting and struggles and problems with friends in the 9 months that I lived there, but through all the hard times, it was still more exciting and adventurous than my past 2 years since have been. I loved the city and I made new friends  - some good and bad. I tried new things and stepped out of my comfort zone. I had some trouble with school and adjusting to the college life and ultimately made the decision to come home for a while  - not because I failed out, but because I did not know what I wanted to do with life and they way I was living there, I knew I wasn't going to figure it out easily. So I decided to listen to my mother who had been begging me forever to stay at community college and live at home. I have to say that that was one of the worst things I ever did. I was coerced into it because it was the easy thing to do - not because it was what was best for me. Now, almost 2 years later, I have come to accept that this is where I am going to be. I have made several attempts with my parents to go to another school and it had been decided for me that I lost that opportunity 2 years ago and I won't be getting it back. 2 and a half more years at a boring, small junior college in the middle of a corn field with no friends. That will be my great college experience that I will tell my grandchildren about - that I had to travel to real colleges to visit friends in order to have a taste of the real college life for a weekend every month or so. This isn't fun. I absolutely hate where I am in life and although I may not know where I want to go or what I want to do, I am absolutely certain that it is not this. I don't want to live at home still when my younger brother moves off to a fancy private university in another state. I'm not even going to get into that whole story...
In my time alone, I have discovered something about myself and that is that I am turning into a safe person. I run away from commitment. I choose boring over risks. But I long to take risks and to live and be a part of the world but I am too scared of it at the same time so I choose to be safe and stay in my comfort zone where I know I can't be hurt. I am stuck and afraid of living a lonely and boring life that my parents expect of me. Whenever I even so much as attempt to choose my own path, they pull me right back in even tighter. It's not that I hate them for keeping me close, I just want to be able to make my own choices. I'm trying my hardest to be happy and see things positively but it isn't working well and something has to give sooner or later. I just don't know what to do...